Little Girl

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Author:  Leane Durand

When I was a little girl, I would lie on my back and stare up at the sky. I remember feeling so carefree, hope filled, abundant in all things. I was just so happy to be me. Content. Of course, I knew none of this at the time. It’s only upon reflection that you can yearn to feel so...effortless. I had it then, I lost it somewhere. I cannot tell you exactly where. 

I think of that little girl and how I’ve spent my life seeking, searching for that feeling again. I think we all want her back in our lives.  That little girl before the doubts, disappointments, criticisms and betrayals. Before the regrets, sadness, self-loathing and all that she has endured. I love her naivete, her pure joy and confidence. She was so secure in all she was.  Her world was solid yet full of promise. She delighted in everything the world around her offered.

Walls were erected after years of repeated hurts. I could not figure out how to get her back. The more I vowed, the less I felt. She was almost an illusion to me. I did not know how. How to reach her? How to feel her again? How to get her back? The one thing I feared most was the only way to begin to wind my way back to her. Vulnerability.

One fearless, amazing woman was placed in my life. She was like no other human I’d ever encountered. She embraced vulnerability and she embraced me. I could not deny her. Never before had I experienced acceptance and lack of judgment like this. She appeared so free. Over time, I felt unconditional love. This from another woman. Friendship that was so much more, like a sister, best friend. It was an offer of life support. Intuitive and without walls. My little girl stirred. Was it safe? 

Over the years, unfailing and relentless honesty with this beautiful soul have allowed my little girl to choose to risk venturing forward again. She is still very cautious but has encountered others who coax her out. I am so very joy-filled to have moments where I am again happy just to be me. This is the gift of vulnerability.      

Tamarah Hodgson